If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
