today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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