if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
