I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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