Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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