I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
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How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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