Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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