I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
