i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
