well I can't set my house on fire every night
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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