the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
