woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
