And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my poor anus
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
