I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
