The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
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Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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