I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
