I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
