If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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