Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
