so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
