Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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