I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
