She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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