Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
