y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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