census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
