When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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