we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
