Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I enjoy the company of your penis
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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