Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
