the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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