i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
