You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
