these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
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Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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