All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
