I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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