Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
