my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Fuck me I smell like cheese