when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.