Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
