Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I am naked and annoyed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
