I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
