He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
