I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
