that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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