textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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