Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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