I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
