That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
