she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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