Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
