she looked like the before picture.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
