Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
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You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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