he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
