her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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