At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
