I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.