So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
