I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages