Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
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Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.